April 01, 2007

Our teaming masses

So one had spent an entirely ludicrous sum of money and stayed awake all night and half the morning on multiple occasions to catch the Homeland's national team in televised action, in a contest as distinguished as the World Cup of Cricket. One had braved the neighbour's persistent complaints, intense office-hour sleepiness and repeated viewings of a deeply irritating S. Khan/P. Zinta car commercial that seemed to go “Ek haseen .. khwab hai humne .. dekha-dekha-dekha”. And then the Team had to go and knock themselves out.

And we have gone and turned into a billion blue blistering barnacles, anchoring ourselves to our recollections of that exhilarating Sharjah summer and that NatWest Trophy run-chase, clinging to the memory of that special evening at Lord's many years ago, while seething and screaming at the state of the team today. Despite the best dimaag-thandofying efforts of the folks at Videocon.

With the exception of One cricket fan. For the One does not seethe or blister. One does not mope longfacedly after a defeat. No. For one is nothing if not Solution-Oriented.

Ruminating or mulling over the situation can yield Insights, people. And, with characteristic perspicacity, one has reached the Crux of the Matter. Which is this : the Indian cricket team is underperforming because it suffers from a lack of reservations. No, it's not that they're uninhibited - most of them are fairly reticent sorts, especially when batting. We refer to Reservations. Where are the quotas, people? How can we uplift the Teeming Masses if we prevent them from Teaming?

Clearly, things must be done. The time has now come to formulate an Action Plan, with Bullet Points.
  • Five places must be reserved for SCs/STs/OBCs.
  • Two places must be reserved for civil servants and defence personnel, or their relatives.
  • Two for ex-servicemen.
  • Two places for the descendants of freedom fighters.
  • One place for NRIs.*
The mathematically astute reader might point out that this is already too many, for a cricket team comprises of but eleven souls. There then arise two options:

a) A senior official could consult with cricket's governing bodies and lobby for the number of players in a team to be increased to 200,000,000 so that all the children of the country are given the opportunity to shine.

b) We could take players who fit into multiple categories, hence reusing the same individual to pacify different groups. For instance, a person who hails from a backward caste, has what is called a defence background, and lives abroad would be a near-permanent fixture in the side. Cricket can always be taught.

What is important, people, is that the gross under-representation of certain groups in the team be rectified. We are a democracy, after all.

* Well, a little self-serving never hurt anyone.


Deepali said...

Your posts are what one would accuse of warming the Cockles of our Heart.

We distinctly remember the lovely spring Friday afternoon we lost to Sri Lanka but were hounded with 'Friendly Neighbour' flags and citizens.

Even then it warmed the Cockles of our Heart to know the pride of a very Friendly Neighbour rests on the victories of another nation.

Such are the trivial thoughts that wander through our mind on such Important events.

tangled said...

I think not.

Welcome back, sir.

Anonymous said...

You're back! That's a pleasant surprise! And that too on my birthday. Not bad at all.

Well, have a lovely summer...since your next post would probably be six months down the line.


tangled said...

I think the idea of increasing the team makes no sense. Better put it on rotation. Give everyone a chance, but not simultaneously, see?

LAK said...

Aah, heard of billions of blue blistering barnacles after a long time!What a pity our team was nowhere like ten-thousand thundering typhoons.Now I'm reminded of other Haddock-isms like troglodytes,jellyfish,pterodactyls,fancy dress fatima, pockmark, poltroon etc. etc!

Anonymous said...

Oh yaay, you returned. See you in six months.

apu said...

oh you're back...loyal readers demand better performance, more frequent matches, sorry posts...er does that sound familiar...

Twilight Fairy said...

hello jee! and how have you been doing in all this while? Here after long..

chandni said...


just stumbled u[on ur blog by chance and am thoroughly enjoying your writing!

will keep comin back for more!


the said...

Deepali: Indeed. The only thoughts wandering through one's mind, however, relate to how a hundred bucks could have been better spent.

Tangled: Thanks, O multicoloured one. Yes, rotation is good - we could try out all the combinations. Permutations, if batting order matters.

N: Belated best wishes :) And no, it will be sooner than that. God promise.

LAK: Troglodytes :D

Anon: Sure.

Apu: :) Yes, yes, O entrepreneur!

Twilight: See, that's not nice. One has been posting and posting and you haven't been visiting.

Chandni: Thanks, and welcome.

the said...

All : It appears that one is now 'the'. Undoubtedly something to do with the migration to New Blogger. One shall attempt to fix this, but if these efforts fail it's possible that one shall forevermore be referred to by this saintly moniker.


tangled said...

Idiot. :D

One in a Billion said...

T: Ta-daa. (If that is the correct expression.) One is now 'One in a Billion'. Intriguing, this Internet.

Anonymous said...

haha :D
Now that that's settled, does it mean we're finally going to see a fresh post? :)



tangled said...


You and your empty promises.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the wishes! Though I had it in my mind to say it yesterday, I forgot to type it. :)


Padma said...

I say "aye" to this new scheme of selecting players..even if my vote is of no consequence.Now, I know this is all about the men's team, but still if only this scheme somehow had some special benefits for women...it would be the perfect selection process ever!

Champion Kickah said...

I think the whole country (I refer of course to those entranced by this dumb game) needs to get a life. Idolising a bunch of overpaid losers is the sole right of the Premier League. But look at the bright side, a soccer match is only 90 minutes. Plus, you see ads only at half-time.

One in a Billion said...

N: Soon, soon. And most welcome.

T: As soon as one finishes one's Orkut work. Scraps need to be written, you know. Entire Communities need to be enlightened.

Padma: Well .. what with feminism and all, one thought women would get through purely on merit :)

CK: Agreed. This World Cup took the cake, did it not - ads between overs, ads after boundaries, ads during replays. Good thing S. Akhtar wasn't playing - they would've fitted the whole AB Junior ROKR-headbang into the run-up.

Anonymous said...

Well, the summer's nearly over. So if you are to keep your promise, it'll have to be about now!


One in a Billion said...

But, kind N, it's always summer in Singapore.