November 11, 2005

A single body

“Low Fat!” screams a label, in garish three-dimensional fonts. “Zero Calories!” proclaims another. Some stick to Dutch. “Nul vet!” “Minder dan 10 Kalorie!”

One’s customary Friday-evening visit to the local supermarket is inevitably punctuated by such promulgations. It is well known and widely accepted that such things attract customers.

But one is what is referred to back in Gujjuland as a “single body”. This should be especially significant in light of recent sage/tyke schizophrenia, but it’s not about multiple identities at all. A single body is a skinny person. Really. It’s actually pronounced with a fetching Guj accent, if you please, “body” rhyming with “roadie”.

You might think, given the fact that one’s chief activities are eating and sleeping, that one’s appearance would show a certain embonpoint. But, alas, it is not so. One has been compared, by different people at different points in time, to a walking skeleton, a starving chimp, and a stick. And they, one suspects, were being nice.

But it is hardly surprising that one cannot put on weight here despite eating practically everything in sight. See, anything even remotely edible in these parts is quite utterly drained of lipidinous content, as if some overzealous squad of obesity police had single-mindedly attacked the supermarket shelves. Every last drop of triglyceride has been ruthlessly wrung out of the cottage cheese, all traces of fatty acid have been coldly emulsified from the frozen desserts. One spends entire afternoons searching for that elusive tub of full-fat yoghurt, for the one chocolate mousse that does not proudly claim to be an integral part of a dozen crash diets. Milk is available in plenty, but it is all of the skimmed variety; whole milk may be bought only at select stores conveniently positioned at the farthest corners of town.

If one remains emaciated for the rest of one’s life, it is all the fault of those callous profit-hungry FMCG companies. In pandering to the corpulent crowd, they are losing the trust of us reedy folks.


Ph said...

Do not share this pain. So gah, to you. However, one likes very much saying body in the way you instructed. And yes, the color, MUCH better. :)

Aditi said...

yellow. hm.
but hey, you are THE ONE right;-)
will be Bach

One in a Billion said...

Ph : Yes, one rather likes saying it that way too. Very .. er .. Satish Shah.

Aditi : Er .. ivory, actually. Reminiscent of sepia and mother-of-pearl. One would expect an NID-trained mind to understand ;-)
Welcome, BTW.

babelfish said...

seeseesee, I'm not the only one to scream at yellow, and hah to your golden with beige and whatnot!!!
Although to be honest ivory appeals...
And yes, I join ph in being utterly unsympathetic towards reedy type, you young sylph-like handsome type have *nothing* close to my woes of epic proportions so gah!!

tara said...

Where does One live? The magic land of THIN?
*mutters sulkily and storms off*

One in a Billion said...

Babel : Sylph, n. 1. A slim, graceful woman or girl. 2. In the occult philosophy of Paracelsus, a being that has air as its element. [New Latin sylpha, perhaps blend of Latin sylvestris, of the forest (from silva, sylva, forest), and Latin nympha, nymph.]

Masculinity in tatters, one is now looking around for convenient puddles of water to drown in.

Tara : Actually one tells people that the thinness is a result of thinking too much and too incisively about relevant issues. People will believe anything.
And .. er .. welcome.

babelfish said...

The fish shall rescue the drowning one, never fear.
*vigorously batting eyelashes*
handsome! I said handsome!!!
*beeg beeg innocent eyes*
Not meaning to insult egoistic Indian male, ony suggesting naturally gracefull you are, good sir.

of course I'm also reminded of the hot *air* one claims one has always been full of, but erm...this isn't a good time to mention it no

rainbeau_peep said...

Hah!!! It's you against the whole lot of us!! Ur never gonna win, that calorie-free supermarket chain is OURS!!! *waddles regally to the fridge for a celebratory diet coke*

One in a Billion said...

Babel : No. Not a good time at all. *cold shoulder*

Rainbeau : *sigh* One now knows exactly how David felt. And Abhimanyu, for that matter. *stares with deep hatred at celebratory diet coke *

babelfish said...

haalp the fish can't swim in freezing water...she drowns, she dies...and dying she mouths her last words...

Oh handsome One, the word 'sylph' may also originate from an Old Celtic word meaning genius

*flutters eyelashes desperately in last ditch attempt to assuage the fierce pride of this brilliant genius*

One in a Billion said...

*brief but furious Google-search*

You're right, Babel. Old Celtic. Mosht impreshive.

*Note to self - it was a stroke of genius not to put up picture on blog*